Believe in Survival!
by shieldslaveofjustice01220
Summary: Dean and Roman seem to have a lot of feelings to work through after the betrayal of Seth, Both men come to grips that they still have each other at least. Implied slash.
1. Chapter 1

The pain is unbearable, My head is throbbing, There is a stabbing pain in my eyes and the stinging of my heart has rendered me unable to move. I feel so cold, so alone. In the distance I can hear the faint sound of the television. I am not sure what program is on but the actors are laughing. I am fairly certain not anything will even be remotely humorous to me for a very long time. The loud offending crash breaks me from my thoughts, signifying that he has finished his second bottle. I pull my knees closer to me. I hear the cap snap open on his third. I know he is going to get wasted. That is how he will try and forget. I wish I could try to forget too, Instead I will remember. my own form of personal torture and no amount of pain will ever allow me to forget.

This is the very same room we stayed in our first night in Indianapolis. Things were much better then we were all so drunk that night from celebrating none of us remembers very much. The only thing I remember vividly is his smell, It was as intoxicating as the rest of him. Every time I glanced over at Roman that night I noticed his eyes would be fixated on me, He noticed that I was also noticing Seth. Who would have ever guessed that we both would have been lucky enough to have him look at us that way too. This room of course feels much differently tonight. I want to be far away from here. I just want to leave but myself pity renders me motionless and I am unable to uncurl myself from this ball and walk away.

As another stray tear rolls down my face I hear another loud crashing thud and the cap of bottle number four snap open. I hear Roman mumble something to himself but I can't make out what it is he said. I fight the urge to yell at him. I know he is angry. I know I will be tomorrow but right now at this moment I am just hurt. I just want to know why. What the fuck was he thinking? Everything was finally perfect, It was all going right. Somehow I knew that something was going to go wrong. It always does, I am not destined to be happy. People always hurt me and I never thought anything Seth would ever do would hurt more than him telling me he was engaged until this. Somehow I knew it would be alright though because we could still have our little stolen moments but now I won't even have that. Jumping at the sound of bottle four being smashed I make a mental note that bottle five has just been opened.

I know Roman will never admit it but he is upset too. He had withdrawn from Seth recently and I wasn't very sure why, I just hope he doesn't blame himself. I doubt I will ever find out the answer to my questions of why Seth chose to betray us but I was sure it wasn't Ro's fault. If anything it was mine. People get sick of me, I am just not meant to be loved. The assault of bottle five forced me to wipe my cheeks dry and try to focus on snapping out of my dark place long enough to turn around and focus on Roman. His eyes met mine the look in them was familiar I had noticed it before. The same look he had in his eyes that very first night we were in this room. Just then he began to laugh and I watched him stumble over to the bed, he began to remove his clothes slowly. Standing there completely naked he reached for my hand and commanded that I stand up.

I showed no hesitation but he still helped me to my feet even though he was having trouble staying upright on his. "Undress" he commands as he looks at me, I obey of course. I remove my seconds pass before he is at work on my belt. Slipping my jeans off he has my boxers pooled at my ankles. Unsure of what his next move may be I feel my whole body become stiff. .He smiles at me weakly and leans in planting his lips against my forehead, Gently, he rests there a moment. He then tells me to "Lay down". I obey and get onto the bed. He slowly climbs in beside me and lays on his back. Pulling me onto his chest he wraps his arms around me.

As he sighs he lets the words "It was a;ways you" escape his lips.I tilt my head and glance up to meet his warm, soulful eyes and Wish I could believe him. He seems sincere as he relays his story and tries to convince me he is speaking the truth. Even though I am not so sure that I buy it I feel safe and protected and that is the closest thing to love that I have known for a long time. Just maybe I will get some sleep tonight. I've almost forgotten about Seth but the memories come racing back into my mind and the reality that I will once again have to look at him again makes me cringe. Roman tightens his grip on me and begins to slowly run his fingers through my hair. I can't help but feel relaxed and sleep looks like it may be a possibility tonight. Sleepily I take a chance and whisper out that I love him still afraid that he may not return the statement even after his completely un Roman like confession just moments ago. "I love you more" he quickly answers and I close my eyes and am thankful that tonight I felt wanted by someone tonight. I may not have him forever but I have him tonight and for now I can believe in us, While tomorrow I will believe in survival because nothing lasts forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Being here in this room in this city, I am fairly certain no amount of alcohol will pacify me. Snapping open my first bottle as I enter the room my throat burns with my first sip, Not nearly as much as my temper burns though. I take another huge swig and close my eyes gritting my teeth and willing myself not to scream. I throw my bag on the bed hearing the other pints of liquor clink together. I hope I haven't broken any I am going to need every drop of that liquid courage to make it through this night without breaking. Swinging off the bottle again I reach into the bag to pull out another bottle, turning to offer it to Dean I notice he has no interest in it. He has already thrown himself on the bed as he attempts to fight back his sobs. Oh well more for me. I hate it when he is like this soon he will be completely lost in his own thoughts and won't even know I am here. Tipping back the bottle once again I empty the contents in one guzzle; I throw my arm back then pitch the bottle at the wall, hard! I see Dean jump as the sound snaps him out of his daze and I somehow know that he is still alright that way. I turn around and snap open the cap from my second bottle grabbing the bag off the bed and hearing the clank of the bottles hitting each other again. Taking another large sip I grit my teeth again and head for the chair in the corner.

Taking another swig off my bottle I can't help but notice this second bottle is much smoother. The taste is welcoming now. It almost cooling now as it slides down my throat. Finishing off the second bottle I chuck it against the wall. It's empty like me. As I crack open bottle three I realize this liquid is not going to fulfill me, I don't care though I have very little to care about thats each sip I take clarity swims through me and I know for sure that one of the only things I do care about are on the bed in front of me crumbling like bottle number three just did when it hit the wall. Bottle four had a even more welcoming taste as I willed myself to slow down a bit before this chair becomes my bed tonight.

Mumbling to myself I swear I will get revenge, not for the chair shot or the beat down but for the way that he made Dean feel. I no longer see the point in nursing this bottle. I need to just get it over with. I need to get enough alcohol in me that I can just pass out before I do something dumb. I just want this night to end. I want to go to sleep and wake up and have this be a nightmare. I know I won't have that happen though and I know that the next few weeks will be very tough. Bottle four meets the wall with another crash and I see Dean slightly jump again.

I can't open bottle five fast enough my mouth has almost gone dry. Its only been moments since my last sip but my body longs for the taste. Dean barely said anything at all on the drive over here. I could barely stand to look at him because of the look of disappointment on his face. After all I knew enough about Dean to know he felt as if it was his fault. As much as he has been hurt before by people he always blamed himself for it. The crash of bottle five warranted enough of a reaction from him that he actually turned to look at me. As my eyes locked on his I tried to convey to him that it would all be alright without saying a word. I couldn't control myself any longer though and I started to laugh. He looked at me as if I was crazy. Maybe I was but tonight had to be the night when I could manage to put my emotions into words. I forced myself to stand trying to steady myself once I was on my feet and made my way over to the bed.

I tore my clothes off not knowing what else to do. Hoping Dean would see my nakedness as my attempt to expose my soul. He looks up at me confused. "Undress" I command as I help him to his feet. He stands there and slowly takes both hands tangling his long slender fingers into the hem of his shirt he raises it to expose his chest as he pulls it off, messing his hair even more as he slips it off over his head. I can't control myself and I work eagerly on his belt buckle, Determined to get his jeans off, making swift work of my mission I then tug his boxers down. I feel his body become tense, he has no need to worry though. I don't want to fuck him, I just want to hold him and feel his skin against mine. I just want him to know I care and hold him as he hopefully allows him self to sleep and get some much needed rest.

I make him get on the bed and lay his head on my chest as I embrace him and slowly run my fingertips up and down his spine. I feel him relax into me and I confess that it was always him. "Dean we may not always seem like we are on the same page but the one thing I wish we would agree upon is who I couldn't help but stare at that first night in this room." He sighs, "It was you, I only saw you" "You are what matters to me now and I am glad that it wasn't you who betrayed me"! I lean in and smell his hair, Mmmm peaches, he always smelled so sweet. I run my fingers through his hair attempting to tame it. I feel him relax against me and his breathing has slowed. He sleeping whispers against my chest "I love you" And I quickly answer "I love you more." He may not believe me but I always have.


End file.
